Episode 133: Bullet to the Head
Tag : [five unexplained seconds of silence] Movie Summary : United Kingdom title: Bullet to the 'Ead Premise : New Orleans hitman Jimmy Bobo (Sylvester Stallone) and his partner kill an ex-cop named Hank Greeley, thus setting in motion a tale of revenge, counter-revenge, and reverse-counter-revenge involving a bad guy named Keegan (Khal Drogo). Story : It's a stripped-down action movie which features a magic police phone and quite a few guys getting bullets to the head. After about a million shootouts and precisely zero scrotums, Keegan kidnaps Bobo's tattoo artist daughter Lisa, which culminates in a final boss battle with fire axes. Stallone Quotes * "You carry Bulleit® bourbon? Yeah well, I do. Here's twenty bucks to rent the glass." @16:40 * "I don't work with cops." @18:05 minutes later, he teams up with FBI agent Taylor Kwon. * "Give him a Band-Aid® and a Blow Pop." @27:45 * "Let's go take a bath." @33:00 * "This is my town, we'll do it my way." @34:50 * "Guns don't kill people. Bullets do. You made two big mistakes: you should have checked the weight, and you should have never tried to burn me." @37:35 * "You had me at 'Fuck you.'" @40:35 * "Grip it and zip it, party boy." @46:35 Miscellaneous * According to the Crescent City Department of Law Enforcement criminal database, Jimmy Bobo's legal name is James Bonomo, and he was born on 24 April 1962. This means Stallone is playing a character who is 15.8 years younger than he. * Brief montage of Bobo trying on masks. @43:05 Follow Bullet to the Head with a bulleit to the mouth. A Bulleit® whiskey, that is! (Enjoy responsibly.) Episode Highlights Tiny Doll Hands @7:20 S: There's no children in this movie. E: There are -- well, unless -- D: Christian Slater still... E: There's a character who's Sylvester Stallone's child, but she's grown up. S: And is she ever! E: Oh boy, is she grown up in all the right places! By which I mean her whole body. S: But still very petite. E: She is an adult-sized person. It's not like: : "Well, she's big in all the right places." : "Well you mean like, there are places where she's '''not' big and it's the weird wrong size? I don't understand. That's a weird thing to say."'' D: She's big in all the right places. By which I mean that she's proportional. E: Which I mean is -- She doesn't have one tiny doll's hand. D: All the places that are supposed to be big are big, and all the small places are small. S: Now, for all the listeners out there that have one tiny doll hand... E: Look, there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. S: We're not trying to say... It's cool, man. E: Even if you have two tiny doll hands. S: I'll give you one tiny five and one high five. E: Hey, look. You're that -- S: I mean, my hand's not tiny. It's normal size. That's gross. E: You're making it worse! You're making it worse! Your hand would crush their hand! D: Abort! Abort! E: Look, you're that much closer to being Dollman. And being next to Dollman-ness is next to godliness. S: Yeah, if you had a little doll's hand you could hold Dollman's gun that explodes people. * scrotums @24:05 * "Pretty Stallone" @26:20 ** "NO MERCY." (Dan) @26:50 * Elliott discusses his painting Rowlf in the Rain @31:20 Special Celebrity Appearance * Unannounced arrival @20:00 * Reveals his diagnosis of Stallone's Disease @21:30 ** "It's not like Lou Gehrig discovered Lou Gehrig's disease!" (Stallone) @21:45 Special Celebrity Reappearance * Returns with three bags of TOSTITOS® Original Restaurant Style Tortilla Chips. @37:50 * "Look at this -- I'm shredded like a Ninja Turtle! I got abs like lettuce! I'm like if beef jerky had muscles!" (Stallone) @39:00 * Discusses his painting A Bullet to Rowlf's Head @39:45 Final Judgments * Between Bad-Bad and a Movie I Kinda Liked (Stuart) @43:10 * Movie I Kinda Liked (Dan) @43:30 * Movie I Kinda Liked (Elliott) @44:05 Tangents * Werner Herzog impressions @00:35 * Butt Privates by Laurel & Hardy @33:50 * butts @34:15 * Seven Pounds @59:55 Movie Pitches * Carrie Potter @10:45 * A.T.T. PD @22:45 * The Mamataur @1:00:40 * Throw Minotaur from the Train @1:01:10 Quotes * "Send that fuckface '''back to Krypton!" (Stuart) @2:40 * "Mice don't live very long when they're solving mysteries and making powerful enemies." (Elliott) @4:30 * "There are scenes in [Rambo] where Stallone just looks like '''a bear with a human head running through the jungle. ... He's like running through a tunnel underneath a bridge, and it looks like Frankenstein's Monster has escaped from the lab." (Elliott) @5:25 * "This is not what Parade magazine promised!" (Elliott) @32:45 * "This is, without a doubt, the dumbest thing that's ever been said on this podcast." (Elliott) @34:30 * "Oh, God..." (Dan) @49:55 * "You have no motive for killing a minotaur!" (Dan) @1:01:15 Listener Mail Mailbag Song :: "I'm a letter from the bad part of town. I've got a dream of being on the Flop House. Will it be me? Pick me! Pick me! Will it be me...?" @46:00 :: "I'm a rich snob letter, but even I have a dream: to be on the Flop House. I can't buy my way in. It's the one thing that money can't buy -- is the Flop House!" @46:10 :: "I'm back from the war, I'm a letter. Saw some things that I wish I could forget. Time to unload on the Flop House guys." @46:25 :: "My master was killed. I'm a letter in feudal Japan. Now I have to get revenge, then seppuku. But first, the Flop House: Can you save me from Bushido?" @46:35 :: "I'm an unborn letter. So much potential. Haven't even been written yet, but my soul exists..." @46:50 :: "Meow! I'm a cat letter! Meow-meow meow!" @49:55 Letters : "Think of the Children" from Spencer Lastnamewithheld @46:45 :: The fair market value of Melanie Griffith's boobs is discussed. : "A Chance for a Mutual M.C. Gainey" from Scott Meeker @50:00 :: Tales of the Smoking Chihuahua (podcast) : "Letters... You've Got" from Sarah Lastnamewithheld @52:40 :: 1. No appearance by Gene Tierney in the Elliot Kalan: Starfucker TV series? :: 2. Who would play the recurring role of Cockblocker on Elliot Kalan: Starfucker? Recommendations * Big Brown Eyes (1936) by Raoul Walsh (Dan) @55:25 * Close-Up (1990) by Abbas Kiarostami (Elliott) @59:55 * The Queen of Versailles (2012) by Lauren Greenfield (Stuart) @57:30 Category:Episodes Category:Sylvester Stallone